I battle with low self-esteem because of things I have been through in my life, or things that have been spoken or done to me.
I never knew how to break free from it, I always felt less than anybody around me because of the way I looked or how I spoke and all I wanted was to feel love. I was finding love in the wrong places or things. I was looking for a way out, wanting to know how to escape everything within me and learning how to love me.
These are ways that help me to be free:
- Taking responsibility for my own life and decisions, which can be hard at times, but I have to do it.
- Forgive, which is a choice, not a feeling. Never give a person or something so much power over me that I choose not to forgive.
- I no longer rely on someone else’s validation to feel good about myself. When I started taking responsibility for myself, it began to build my self-esteem and stability within and gave me hope. I started feeling good about myself.
- Self-esteem problems can damage many important parts in my life, like relationships, ambitions, achievements, and health when playing the victim role.
I never want to be powerless and helpless another day in my life. I lost many years of my life by being powerless and helpless. I was giving someone else command over me, and allowing them to have control of my responsibilities and relinquishing my God given power and will.
I replace a negative with a positive by:
Changing my mind to what can go right instead of wrong. I learned the mind can only think one thought at a time.
- Using affirmation.
- Using humor and fun or being around someone that makes me happy.
- Reminding myself that the negative thought that I’m thinking is only negative, it has no power other than what I give it.
Most of all fall in love with me!
I can never forget how I always felt that everything was my fault when something went wrong, or I could never do anything right and needed the approval of other people.
Now that am older, I understand that being a victim of abuse had me in a box that I was living in and didn’t know how to escape from it. I didn’t know how to be free from it. I was walking around in a box. I wanted to jump out like “Jack in a box” waiting on someone to come wind me up and hoping I’m free from all the pain within me. That never happened. My pop-outs were when I became extremely intoxicated and ended up in the bed with someone feeling free for just that moment.
The next morning had me feeling like I was abused all over again. I asked myself what are you doing here, and should I add on top of that feeling less than, because I was a high school dropout, and hopeless and wanting to try something different than alcohol to medicate my pain. Then I tried ecstasy, but should I say it tried me. Let’s just say, I realized it was not for me. I was just going to stick with my drinks. I thank God for that. Years later I was still playing the victim roll, and not knowing how to be free.
Then I met my new frenemy, and her name is HIV, but should I say that she was the best thing that happened to me. She got me in a place where I had to accept my past and face my reality and the things that happened to me. Now I am stuck in a place that I have to use the F word all the time and that’s FORGIVE, when I really want to say F you!
I was tired of running and wanted to be free! I didn’t want to be like Jack any longer, having to wait on someone or something to come wind me up and free me. I wanted to be free, and stay free, and the only way that I was going to do that was to forgive myself and everybody who hurt me. So I choose to forgive.